"I want to help you out," she said. "I think you need to go on more dates with other women. You're not yet confident about this stuff. You need to be less nervous and more assertive."
WHAT? I thought to myself. That was totally unexpected. "What do you mean more assertive? I thought we were having a good time!"
Here's how it went down. I met this girl on OKCupid (OKC). As you guys know, I've been gaming the hell out of that site and had managed to get a few girls talking to me. Better yet, I converted 3 girls into solid numbers. The last girl I got a number from, I ended up having to friend zone, because she was too large for me to be in charge. The second went stale after a while.. she lives too far away for it too work out, and our texts hadn't been anything special. It might still work out, but I am giving that one a break. The third, which is this girl… I'm going to call her HBJudgemental, or 'Judge' for short, lived really close by.
Her pictures weren't especially that great online, but when I met up with her, she was actually a lot better looking in real life. As far as looks, she was about a 6.5 or 7, Asian girl, I think she told me of Korean descent, but did not look like it. She was in shape though, and that was a huge relief -- OKC is notorious for whales, and I was prepared for a little chunk. SAFE! I was pleased.
We had been texting all week, silly messages here and there … and that was basically the way our e-mail correspondence had been as well. I thought she was going to be a sweet nerd like me, so I felt compelled to game her in a sweet nice guy manner -- it had obviously been working.
I gave her a hug when I saw her. She felt good about that, but immediately questioned me if I was nervous. That sort of threw me off guard. So I asked her if she was nervous instead, and she said she wasn't. Cool, I thought.. let's just have fun and not think about being nervous.
At the beginning, things seemed pretty good. However, when we started walking around, she asked me if I had dated anyone else on the site. I didn't know how to answer the question, so I just said honestly that I was just keeping my options open and had been talking to other girls. She seemed okay with that, and went about to tell me how the last two dates she went on from OKC went. This is where I felt things began to get a little weird:
1) Her first date took her to a sushi restaurant. She hated it. She told me that guy had tried to get her drunk and make her eat a lot of food before taking her back to his place. Judge woke up the next morning and regretted everything she did (I assume she had sex with the guy and this set off a red flag in my head).
2) The second date was an '8 year old' in terms of personality. It was a very childish date, where she ended up playing video games with the guy. (Another red flag -- I like video games too).
So as I was talking to her, I asked her what she expected from me. Judge told me she didn't want to eat heavy; if we were going to eat, she would just watch me. I came up with a date plan idea -- we would walk around my place a little more, then get some appetizers, followed by a movie and dinner at my place. She liked the idea a lot and so I began showing her around the backyard area of my place.
She liked the garden area especially. I was doing a bit of light kino, brushing my arm lightly over her. I went into Gambler routines.. just talking about future things we could do together, then making it a bit ridiculous, and laughing off. Looking back, she was laughing.. but I think after a while it started to backfire. She seemed kinda serious about wanting to do more things -- I just didn't pick it up.
After showing her around my place, I figured.. there's nothing left to show her here, so let's go somewhere else. We got in my car and took off, but for some reason, my mind was drawing a blank as to where next to go. I thought of UCR or Canyon Crest Towne Center… but both seemed kinda lame. Plus, she had already been to UCR with her first date. I thought of Riverside Plaza, but I didn't want to take her somewhere where my parents might run into us (they frequent the area). So my mind went blank and we went to Tyler Mall (which was like a 20 min drive). That was my next dumb mistake -- I took her somewhere too far from my 'final lay location'.
As we were driving, I was talking about myself a lot.. talking about my motorcycle endeavors, then my job, then what I seek to do in life. She seemed interested in everything I was saying, and for the most part I tried to ask her about her life too. I think this is where it got a bit more weird… compared to me, she seemed like a huge loser. I was talking about accomplishing things, being successful, traveling the world and studying in Japan..
She hadn't done any of that. She had no accomplishments. Her parents were poor, and owned a convenience store in ghetto San Bernardino. They had been robbed several times at gunpoint, with her father down on the ground. She had never gone to college, despite being the same age as me. She was now taking some classes at RCC, but not at all serious about it. And as far as traveling, she had never gone outside of SoCal, except being born in North Carolina -- like me. That was the ONLY connection we had. Needless to say, despite fist bumping her -- I was kinda put off. She didn't even seem to care about wanting to do anything with her life… she had this aimless attitude about her. I decided to 'shut off the noise' in my head though…it was accumulating fast, and I knew if I kept listening to it… I would not be able to close.
We got to the mall, where I decided to keep it light-hearted with her and not think about any flaws. I talked about things I wanted to do for the week, then we went to a clothes shop where I talked out new styles I wanted to try out. She started helping me pick out things to wear, which was cool. We shopped at Tillys, then H&M. She picked out a belt for me, and said that I was really "Asian" for wanting to buy stuff on sale only. "Of course, I don't buy at full price ever". Another fist bump. She seemed a bit turned off though.
Judge told me that she wasn't into her own race, and preferred dating guys outside of her race. The girls in her family were the same as her; everyone had married someone "White" or "Black". Korean guys to her were 'stupid'. (Man, more red flags. I love Kpop, and a lot of my friends are Korean.. how are we gonna work this out?). She wasn't into Kpop at all, and I don't even think she liked Asian American guys either -- which I definitely am. I changed the thread to dogs, which worked out well -- I took her to a puppy shop and was playful with her in that shop.
We finally went upstairs, where we noticed the food court.. and it seemed like she was ready to eat, but I suggested yogurt instead (cause I was trying to keep it light). She expected me to pay, so I did, wasn't that much anyway.. but I made her hold my bags for it jokingly. We ended up ordering the same stuff, which I joked about more. (At this point though, I felt a bit disconnected from her -- and I might have been trying to 'save' the date..).
We could have sat down in the mall food court area, but I decided to go outside with her to a patio area and show her the view. She seemed kinda put off again. I tried to make it sound interesting -- I joked that the janitor had 'hooked me up' with a private balcony area and view because he knew I had a hot date tonight. "Yes senor! I gotchu covered", I mimicked the janitor to her. She laughed. We sat down and ate the yogurt. I had her legs in my legs, and was keeping strong eye contact with her. We went back to talking about school and career, but after a while, she dropped the bomb.
"You're nervous aren't you? I really think this isn't going to work out. I'm going to be honest with you… I see you as a friend right now, but I want to help you out… I think you need to go on more dates with other women and learn to be more confident."
WTF? I thought. Where did this come from?? I thought I had been doing a great job up til then… despite so many turnoffs, I had tried to keep the date positive, stay out of my head, be in the moment with her, take her to this patio and enjoy yogurt together…
Was I nervous? I checked myself again. Not really… no leg shaking, no strange posture, I was laid back. I asked her what she meant by 'nervous'.
"Well, back there at the mall, you didn't really try to hold my hand or guide me around. Women notice those things. You seemed really nervous about touching me, and walked ahead of me instead of by my side. Plus you just need to be more assertive."
So I said, "Well, I don't do those things right away.. I tend to hold off until I know the person. Plus, I mean do you want me to jump you or something when you say assertive? I mean how much more confident do you want me to be? I thought I was pretty confident."
"No, you weren't. And no, I don't want you to jump me. You just need to be confident, that's why I think you need more dates. You don't know what you're doing.. and that's why I don't think this is going to work out."
WTF? WTF? Not making sense…. No longer was I in PUA mode. She had elicited my inner AFC. I was pissed off.. ego crushed, and determined to prove she was wrong. I brought on the big guns. I began to frame battle her. We started arguing on how dates should really be… she had her opinion, I had mine.. I was determined to prove that a nice guy date was better than a date rape date. She should have been more appreciative of me being 'slow' I said to her. She just continued to blame my experience.
It was so stupid of me. Mistake #3 … We battled for 15 minutes. Then… I realized, WTF. I'm such a douche; the point of this is to have fun. Not argue. So, I said to her I was sorry for arguing, but wanted to enjoy the rest of the night with her. She seemed hesitant, but I told her I didn't want to argue, I just wanted to have fun. I suggested we finish up the date by going to Yardhouse. She was okay with it.
On our way down, I immediately put my arm around her side, and said… "Is this better dear?" jokingly. She laughed and said "YES. This is better." We started holding each other, except down the escalator (she has some fear of escalators), and towards our way out, we were arm in arm.
I apologized to her again for being so serious, and I said to her .. let's just be fun tonight okay? I gave her a kiss on her cheek. She was really pleased and let go. She was happy again. I thought to myself -- (Maybe I do need to be more assertive from the beginning -- I didn't even realize it with this girl… How did I not notice -- never in my PUA adventures have I come across a girl who WANTED me to grab her -- it's always been -- the boy needs to warm up the girl first).
I was in my head though. Even though we were finally having a good time and making our way to Yardhouse, I thought … (Will I be able to save this…? Am I being assertive enough now..) I thought of stopping her and making out with her instead. I almost did, then I hesitated. I tried a routine, then I stopped midway. She started getting suspicious. My mind was on food too… I asked her what she wanted to eat. She said 'nothing'. Not a good answer. So I suggested we skip Yardhouse and go watch a movie instead at the theater. She seemed okay with it, then I stopped us again at Elephant Bar.. to look at the menu. Judge asked me if we were going in… I said no… let's go to the theater. I saw some kids sitting around, so I tried to show off I was 'confident'. I said, "Hey guys, this is my girlfriend for the night… isn't she HOT?" They laughed and were like "YEAH man.. have a good time tonight". More weirdness…
We walked up the stairs arm in arm, very awkwardly to the theater. At the top, I tried to show her the view, only to have her break away. I looked at movie showings, and asked her what she wanted to see. She said she wanted to go home. Her friend was expecting her.
FUCK. DATE FAIL. My ego was really in charge of my emotion at that point. I tried to convince her to stay around.. but she kept saying no she had other plans. I knew it was BS… she had made plans to see me!! I thought to myself. I went back to trying to frame battle her. It was creeping her out.
So then I broke my state - and decided to be calm again. I just agreed with her, and we walked back to the car. Unfortunately, it was far away. We were on the opposite side of the mall. So we had to walk back. Walking back… SUPER death silence. She walked ahead of me, not looking at me at all.
My ego was killing me.. I kept trying to 'save' the night by making jokes, throwing out random conversations. She just kept ignoring or being weird. Finally, I started blaming her for the date fail. "You're the one who's trying too hard. You need to stop being so judgmental, then you'll enjoy your dates." Oh man, that did not sit well with her. She got REALLY mad. I didn't care. I reversed the frame to make her angry at me instead, so I could walk ahead and be silent. I was trying to roll with the silence. We both were angry and silent, walking away from each other, despite having to go to my car.
In my head, I thought to myself -- how can I be this bad.. I'm a PUA… after everything I've been through.. all of last year.. all the dates, all the sarging, all the seminars… today was supposed to be fun. How the hell could all this still go wrong? I thought of a date I had with a girl similar to Judge a couple years before I got into the community. In that date, I was such a chode… I was super nice guy to the girl, but never laid a hand on her. At the end of it, that girl rejected me by giving me the nice guy speech saying I wasn't assertive. I was like.. why is this happening again? The difference was, I had touched Judge, I had been nice to her, I had even kissed her and held hands to her at the end. Why did Judge want to go home when I finally became assertive? Duh, 'cause it was forced.. I thought to myself.. I didn't really like her; I just wanted to 'win her'.
I began calming down again, and tried to talk to her again. Flex's advice was ringing in my head .. "Just work it man". (Whenever we had been at the bar, and a set went bad, he'd advise on just going back to the sets you talked to and keep talking.. even though it's a bad situation, it could always turn good). His positive way of thinking was influencing me to try again to make the date end well with this girl. I apologized for everything, and said I wanted the night to be fun. I put my arm around her again… and tried to keep her at my side. I suggested we just end the date on a positive note.. and kept throwing out ideas of stuff to do… Cheesecake Factory, or check out some books, Korean BBQ.
She said stuff like "No thanks", "I don't want to do anything else". I kept trying to shush her (in a fun, seductive manner), and tried to kiss her again. It wasn't going well, so I backed off again. Man I was fucked… and I know you guys are like screaming DATE FAIL by this point. :P
Finally, we got to my car, where I went back to frame battling. I was so done. I told her she could go home by herself, I wanted to go check out some books. She looked at me like I was crazy. I just wanted her to stop being such a bitch, so I was trying to be an asshole by saying stuff like I'd leave her. I honestly don't know what I was thinking man. It just went really bad. She looked like she wanted to cry, and I was just like fuck this… She wanted me to drop her off. I couldn't let her cry, so I finally said okay, and took her home. The nice guy kicked in.
The ride home was silent too… most of the time I was just thinking about how much of a douche I was. I couldn't believe with all the training I had, I was still such a fuck up. What the fuck does being 'assertive' mean?? I was so confused. Why did our date turn out to be so shitty -- I wanted it to be fun! I felt like she was to blame for making it so bad -- she was so judgmental, and who the fuck was she to tell me I needed more experience -- was she some fucking PUA that I needed to listen to? Then I thought to myself, MAN… I'm fucking psychotic. I can't believe I'm going through all these mood swings. I can't believe I tried to frame battle her and prove my point. I almost ended up doing some STUPID shit. If I had been more of a fuck up, that could have led to date rape, where I would have tried to use my PUA power to prove to her I could be assertive. WHAT THE FUCK MAN!! Why am I such a chode?? I displayed so much bad behavior tonight, it's obscene. I tried to relax, break state, and just move into apology mode… hoping at least to end off on a note that I was sorry for my bad representation tonight, and this is not me. I told her I was sorry for the bad night, and I really am not this way.. I appreciate her advice and will go on more dates. I mean for that part, she was right. I do need to be on more dates - and learn to be more confident around women.
I guess the part that stung me, was that .. she was a woman giving a guy who considers himself a 'PUA' advice -- and my PUA large ego didn't like it. Unfortunately, this was like the greatest shit test of all time.. in that I failed trying to prove I was confident to her because I was a PUA. Fuck that shit, I'm not a PUA. I'm just me. No longer will I fall for that shit test. If someone calls me out as unconfident, tries to friend zone me, whatever.. I'm just gonna be like lol, yeah I am, and just keep it fun from there. The fact I wasted so much time trying to prove I was confident to her was retarded on my part, and not something a guy who gets laid would ever do.
She accepted the apology and gave me a hug. I wished her success with her date life and she said the same to me.
Hell, at least it was an isolated incident. I'm allowed to make mistakes… and so glad no one else really saw it or knew about it - she's the only one who really gets to know, and maybe a couple of her friends who'll just see me as date #3, the 'creep'. Ah well. That was a horrible showing on my part. I failed so hard. At least though, I know not to fall for the "you're not assertive/confident" shit test. I was reading Jeremy Soul's book from Love Systems today -- the first thing he said that rung with me was.. "To succeed quickly, fail fast." Judge gave me some sound advice.. but I wish that she didn't have to tell me that. It's true, I'm not as confident as I'd like to be, and I want to get to the point where I never hear a girl say that to me… but if I hear it again on the 'next' date.. I'll take it with a smile on my face. After all being 'unconfident' and getting laid is way better than being 'crazy and no chance of ever getting laid'.
- Cloud
Thoughts/Lessons Learned
======================
- Don't be ruled by your ego: If a woman calls you out as nervous and not 'confident', saying you need to date more.. don't get insulted that she insulted you as a man… just roll with it. Don't dwell on it like I did and try to prove to her you can be confident. Instead, take control of your own mind, and be cool… stick to a plan you created for the two of you and just move towards goal. Getting derailed by shit tests especially to your ego is a sure fire way to lose the lay.
- For example: I had many chances to save this date and make it awesome. When she said I was nervous, I should have just been like "Okay :). Let's finish our date! Want to go downstairs to Yardhouse?" I could have then put my arm around her and held hands with her to Yardhouse. I still would have been able to kiss her, and could have finished by enjoying a drink with her. I let my mind go out of control.
- Stick to plan: I didn't stick to plan either -- the fact I went all the way to Tyler mall instead of a location near my house -- CHANGED the dynamic. The date became more of an errand run by going shop to shop looking for clothes than being able to hold this girl and find spots to kiss her. I really fucked up on the seduction part with this… She was so DTF too… she agreed to movie and dinner at my place… ugh
- At the end of the day too.. this is my other thought. It wouldn't have worked out anyway. She failed all my qualifications -- she didn't like Kpop, hated her own culture, not into traveling, not successful at her own life, judgmental… honestly even if I was a fuck up trying to prove I could get her, she still wasn't worthy of me anyway. No wonder I got in my head. I think a girl who's right for you is one that doesn't put you in your head, but makes you feel like you could enjoy the moment with her. That was probably why.. no matter what I did, we just couldn't enjoy the moment together.. because she wasn't my type to begin with. I might have gotten sex from her, but eventually I'd dump her. Next time, take the signs of weirdness as a sign it's not going to work out - especially if she fails more than several qualifications. If she's like I see you as a friend, yup, that's what she is too. A friend. Not a girlfriend.
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