Hey all! Long time, no write.
It’s truly been a while, and I honestly never thought I’d be back here. If you read my last post, you could see that I got married! Yay, game over. No more having to be a PUA!! Right??
Ah man, that’s so wrong. Just to set the record straight, I’m still married. I haven’t cheated on my wife at all lol, if anything I’ve been a very good boy.
To be honest, I just miss writing. Even though this blog was really dark at times, I always loved how I was very brutally honest about myself and my life. I recently got into moving all my stuff to the “cloud”, and so I was going through all the old hard drives I used to have and either removing the old data or merging it up to the cloud (in the case I thought it was important). I then re-discovered all my old field reports and PUA material. Re-reading everything made me feel very nostalgic and also a little sad that I gave up the whole ‘self improvement’ thing to just be a regular joe and fit in with society again.
Up until now, I was just pretty much like — eh I’m done with PUA, no need to care about this stuff any longer. So I just left all the stuff on my old hard drive, sold/donated all my old PUA books. I spent most of the last two years really really focused on my career. Since doing PUA, I had not really cared at all about my actual career (which was supposed to be Internet Marketing / Web Developer) and thus had been fired twice for poor work.
I decided to clean up, because while I loved PUA and partying in general, I was massively in debt. I was freelancing to get by (while fired), but I still wasn’t making enough to pay for everything including rent and all the partying / girlfriends staying over. During the year of 2015, and parts of 2016, I found out that I was so way behind in terms of programming skill, it’d take a true year of dedication to even be remotely considered for a job again in that world. I barely knew JavaScript or PHP, even though I had some skill with HTML & CSS. At best I probably could only get a job as a junior developer, but the competition had gotten extremely fierce (given that I lived in LA and Silicon Valley was at the height of making internet billionaires) it was near impossible to find steady full-time work. Being junior totally means being disposable in these big cities.
I took on programming very much as a challenge though, just like I did with PUA. By 2013 and early 2014, I felt supremely confident with my game. I had gotten to the point where hot girls were consistently coming into my life and I was getting laid. On top of that, I continued to be in some great social circles for parties and knew just about all the great places to go to if I needed to find new girls. I also had a few girlfriends and fuck buddies, and one girl I was really into (who became my wife). So yah I figured at that time I could do away with PUA- after all I had “beaten the game”, especially when I put a “ring on it”.
The problem though after was trying to fit back into the “mainstream narrative” of life. I had to actually “beta size” my mind to get back to fitting in with society. As a PUA, I could be like “fuck work”, “fuck what you think woman”- and it wouldn’t matter, because at the end of the day I just needed to get by on a couple thousand dollars every few months doing freelance. Doing programming full time was completely the opposite— if I wanted to really have money and a stable career, I couldn’t say “fuck you” to my boss. (In all actuality, I got told “fuck you” many times by various bosses, and I’d have to do my best to keep myself from making snarky comments / PUA level retorts in any way shape or form. I just had to be a good worker and always fix my work if it wasn’t good to anyone). Like Todd and Tyler told me from my RSD days; I committed myself to ignoring the rejections and firings, rather dedicating myself to the process of learning programming and doing my best to level up. After a year of self studying, doing haphazard freelance work, and basically kissing ass, I finally got my big break working for a company full-time in 2015. In 2016, I basically cemented my place in the world as a programmer by having solid accomplishments that I could list out on my resume including developed X,Y, and Z websites, tutored A,B,C students and also launched several profitable ventures on my own.
But I didn’t blog at all about it. I felt I couldn’t — blogging would be too distracting from my focus on getting a job. However, now it’s okay— at least even if I were to lose my job now, sure I’d still feel pain terms of immediacy to replace the money and use savings/debt to cover an expensive period, — but I’m pretty confident in myself like I was during my PUA days that I could still find a good job no matter what (similar to how I felt confident I could find new hot girls to date and sleep with and have a fun time no matter what).
All that said, even though I have the job and the woman, and of course a kid — yay— I still feel like my life is messy as fuck. Laser like focus on career led me to give up eating properly and consistently work out. I am now a fucking fat 208lbs, and even my wife tells me to work out every now and then.
I definitely feel unhealthy too— I can barely get through a 30 minute exercise at home workout video, let alone do 15 minutes of running. I also stopped caring about my fashion / looks, so I still wear clothes from 2013 and 2012. All the cool clothes I bought back then are faded and don’t fit well with my enlarged waistline.
I also feel less motivated to do anything on weekends. My idea of a good time now is no longer a night out of fun, or even sex as weird as that sounds. It’s instead to just watch movies on Netflix while having beer/pizza. I’m also finding myself buying a ton of video games and eating out a lot with wife / family members. I would love to have sex, except I feel like — embarrassed about my body and find that I’m always too tired to go really at it. (My wife also gave birth, so during the last 9 months to almost a year now— that’s why our sex life started to gradually decrease and I was so focused on work that I didn’t care about exercise). I know I probably sound like that stereotypical guy who eventually gets cucked by his wife because he sucks in the bedroom (and his wife begins to cheat on him because of lack of interest)— but that is definitely me right now.
For months I just thought, eh I’ll deal with this one way or another — and of course it was embarrassing as fuck so that’s also why I didn’t want to write about it. Plus I didn’t care, I thought I could get back in shape quickly.
Unfortunately, I’ve tried many times and failed many times to get back in shape. That frustration led me back to reading all my old blogs and thinking geebuz, I gotta save myself- I gotta get back into self-help so I can be a strong guy again. Sure I have mental toughness, and that’s what allowed me to succeed in business and PUA, but I tweaked out with just general physical discipline. So I’m taking to writing again to see if this will help me out in any way, shape or form. Plus, I feel like writing gives me a sense of motivation. While I was studying programming, I was also sharing my thoughts a lot with others (so even though I wasn’t writing for PUA at the time, the sharing thoughts — similar to writing was what got me to succeed with my career. It was the same for PUA).
I don’t envision my blog turning into a fitness blog, but rather me just talking about my life in general instead, (and of course using it as motivation to help me stop being such a cuckold lol). I need to get back in shape, that’s for sure. It’s difficult to do that when you are a new parent (baby has so much more priority than yourself), but I still need to master basic exercises and eating habits. I totally get it now why most marriages fail after a few years— and it’s definitely because of this issue. One person or both people just think— “oh I’m married, fuck it— no more need to “game”, no more need to look good or even work on sex (let’s just do quickies or masturbate)— all that shit is tiring as fuck and I already have the prize.”
I don’t want to be that person. I guess as far as writing, I’m going to try to motivate myself more. That’ll be one of the changes to this blog— just thinking more about life and what I want to do with it, and even maybe how I plan to get back into shape as well as the day to day for getting to being in shape and loving sex/life again (not just being a programmer nerd). One’s gotta have a balance — work and regular life seem conflicting to each other, but too much of one or the other really will screw your opportunity to succeed on the other side. So I want to fix that. I’d also like to travel more and find things to do (not just for myself but with my wife) to rekindle sparks. I think though, the source of fun has to start from within me, so I’m going to try to figure out what I can do first to make the life I have more fun and interesting. The problem with trying to fit into societal standards and just giving up on the game is that you become “boring” again, and life starts to suck. You become someone watching others have fun while you can only reminisce about the good old days while drinking a beer that slowly kills your gut and your sex life. I can’t become that person— not after all this time studying PUA so hard. It couldn’t end like that. I’m not going to cheat on my wife— that’s not what this about, but I definitely am going to get back into self-improvement.
Cloud 2017, Jan 16
