Hey guys, it's been a while hasn't it? I haven't posted simply for lack of time… I've been keeping myself so busy, mainly for the purpose of keeping myself focused and motivated to my goals. So far it's been really good, pushing myself lately to get better has really opened up my mind and given me thoughts I could have never achieved had I been dormant… this probably needs a bit of explanation for you guys to understand what I'm saying…
So, I'll start off by recapping my last story before I get into the new stuff:
If you remember about more than a month or so, I felt really crappy after a really bad date with a girl I really fell head over heels for. I felt like she was really my type in every way… and one of the best girls to enter my life in a long time. She was beautiful, she liked anime, she had a nerdy sense of humor, and I thought we were going to get along just fine. But she ended up calling me out as a player and shit testing me to hell. What started off extremely well ended in disaster. It was a huge blow to my ego… I felt that after a year of pickup, I should have been able to get that girl. And yet, I didn't.. I still managed to blow it. I was so depressed, I was ready to quit altogether and accept whatever fate I deserved. It was truly bad.
(Thank god though for a good circle of friends and family support -- when I crashed, they really stepped up. I also have to thank Casanova Crew for stepping up.. the board really came together and gave me the pep talk I needed to get back out there. So, shout outs to guys like Pyro, Shakeshi & Condor for teaching me to stay grounded and keep trying.)
That's what it comes down to at the end of the day. You have to have a good support system to back you up. If you don't, find one… you have to get some really good friends who will support your cause. Not just anyone will do... it has to be people who believe in your mission to get better. Naysayers will only make you feel worse. So be sure you surround yourself with talented, positive people that motivate you to do better in life. When you fall, they'll lift you back up. (I equate this to being in high school -- if you surround yourself with C students, you'll only get C student advice... if you want a winning mentality -- you have to hang out with the A students who push themselves every day and deal with tons of rejection in a positive way. Hanging around A students forces you to think from an A student mindset -- as long as you're committed to try and not give up).
You have to have the mentality to keep going. If you do not, the failure sits with you.. you remember it each day and it's painful. Whereas if you keep doing, yeah, you'll have failures, but along the way you'll have more opportunities for success too. Hence, you gotta keep putting yourself out there every day. Remember, A student mentality. People will respect you more because you put yourself out there despite whatever comes at you... and you bounce back. That respect from people is important too -- especially from A student type people... it makes you believe in yourself more because they're giving you some street cred -- and that's often difficult to achieve.
Finally you have to stay grounded as to who you are and what you believe in… if you don't, everyone will walk all over you.. like that girl did to me… so you have to have respect for yourself. Then others will respect you -- thanks Shakeshi.
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Time skip forward, even with all this awesome advice in my head -- the road ahead was CRAZY difficult. Even with having a success only mindset, I started to have the worst time ever at the game.
I continued sarging and running into HUGE walls. On OK Cupid, I was running a huge dry spell… I had a 95% ignore rate. The girls who wrote back were bitches and would say I wasn't their type. It was mad frustrating. I was going all out too… writing really creative stuff that would just get ignored. I was becoming desperate and my inner game going to trash.
As much as I wanted to keep going, my brain would get really fried and think about quitting even more. I started having a ton of limiting beliefs. One being very prominent, that I told Condor, (who I began sarging with as of late August) that the girls I liked were simply not attracted to me because I wasn't white or Asian. (I like Asian girls). I had over 400 emails ignored on OKC to back that up. Plus tons of rejection letters.
I continued sarging with Condor in Redlands at the Boiler Room and Vault over time I started thinking… fuck even white girls weren't attracted to me. Or latinas, or blacks. Not even Indian. In fact, on one night out, I talked to an Indian girl who asked me if I was gay. She really thought I was, and wanted to make me her fag hag. Needless to say, I wasn't happy and asked her if she was a transvestite. She was pissed royally. I didn't care. Fuck her.
Plus, Condor is a tall white dude. He's also handsome. He has good confidence and a great talker. All that added up, I couldn't hold a candle to the guy in field. He was opening sets left and right, every girl was smiling at him and bantering right back with him. He handled the shit tests like it was nothing to him. This guy was literally oozing with value, and all I could do was ride along, hoping that the girls he opened would think I was kinda cute too because I was his friend. On my own though, I couldn't do shit. The thing that took the cake for me was when he got on OKCupid for only a couple of days, got 12 or so different girls to write back, and got laid within a 7 day time frame, using mainly the same message format (or weaker) than what I wrote. It was FRUSTRATING.
To add to that, a guy from NYC who reads this blog, who also happens to be Indian, wrote to me and gave me some compelling reasons as to why Asian girls don't like Indian guys. The PUA in me told him to keep trying and not give up; but at the same time, I could feel his limiting beliefs seeping into my own mind… was he correct? Was I fucked from the start?
Adding more shit, I eventually met up with an Asian girl, (I'll call Jane -- her PUA name), off OKCupid again -- but she told me from the start that she wasn't into me because she liked white guys only. Indian guys were too dark for her, and she agreed Asian girls weren't into that at a very superficial level. (She takes great pride in being blunt -- she considers herself very real and down to earth, and most Asian girls won't do or say what she says at such an extreme level).
The only reason we were even meeting was because she felt like she could 'help' me… she thought I was a pretty big loser and needed a woman's advice on how to game girls. She felt like I was becoming too creepy taking advice from a bunch of dudes on a forum -- we talked about pickup -- which she felt was a good idea, but she thought it was making me more of a douche than a guy that women would want to really get to know. So she offered to be my wing girl in field and help me out. She said that if girls saw me rolling in with other douchebag wing guys, they'd think we were all creepers. But if I rolled in with a 'hottie', like her… all the girls would get jealous and want to know why a guy like me could get a girl as hot as her to hang out with him…
(That was interesting. I decided wtf, I'll just hang out with her anyway and see what happens).
Needless to say, I had really bad inner confidence issues… the only way I could stay sane was by focusing on having 'small wins' elsewhere in my life. If I couldn't be successful with women, I'd do some other activity, (like get my motorcycle license or work on my career stuff), and hopefully that would keep my state 'up'. That was probably the most important thing I learned during this process. Do lots of things, not just picking up girls… have lots of 'life activities and goals' you want to succeed at, and when you do succeed at those things, coming back to pickup is a lot easier because you have a better mindset.
During the time away from this blog, I accomplished A LOT. One thing that really helped me stay in top mindset was that I documented all my 'small wins' on a document -- Google Document, so I could see it from anywhere -- including my mobile phone. Then whenever I was feeling trashy, I could pull it out and see all the amazing things I accomplished and feel like a winner again. Hence, have a sheet of success that you keep for yourself.. it'll do amazing things for your own inner game.
(I'm really proud of myself though during this period.. I managed to get a motorcycle license, a motorcycle, build up tons of confidence riding it around; plus I kept my job (which I was almost about to lose), updated my resume and created a new portfolio website (which I had been wanting to do for years and so glad I finally did it), got a paid translations gig to translate Japanese anime, and finally started exercising regularly and starting B-boy dance lessons with one of the best dancers in the IE… (I'm seriously honored to be training with this guy… freaking genius)).
All these small small things add up, and over time even with shit flying everywhere else, it doesn't matter… you still feel confident and grounded -- you know who you are. That keeps you sane. Plus, you are able to treat everything not as failure but as 'learning'. I took a seminar with Vince Kelvin as of recently, who helped me learn some new state control exercises through Yoga and Chakra diversion… which was really awesome -- and when I told him I was a 'quiet' guy, I couldn't be 'loud', he said -- "Okay, then own it.. be the quiet guy who's still confident. But is that all you are? Or can you be more than quiet?" He was right, it's not all I am… I can be all kinds of things, but as of late.. I've just been taking a backseat and being quiet. It's not all that I can be. It was a good frame that he gave me to think in… To have an active frame to keep pushing myself to get better and better. Improve myself constantly in every way possible -- one thing Jane told me about Asian girls, is that they often want the whole package initially. If you don't have it, they move on right away. It's not a "oh I'll wait and see kind of thing"… most Asian girls are impatient to a fault (herself included). It's really superficial, but a lot of Asian girls are superficial and heavily judgmental on a first impression basis. That's why really looking good and displaying an extremely high level of confidence; having great game is super important in the beginning. They are looking for the guy who's got it.
I've sorta accepted this to be true at the moment.. and I so while my game sorta sucks… I'm doing something about it each day to get better at it. Not just at my game, but my looks, the stuff I wear, the life I live, the goals I have -- if anything, I've really started being a PUA in the true meaning of the word. I would describe myself before as totally average frustrated chump who was sarging night after night not getting laid and not having any ambition.
So as of recently, I've continued keeping up with sarging, while working on aspects of my life. Condor and I sarge about 2x a week, then I sarge with Jane a few times a week too; Condor, Jane and I had a pretty good night together about a week or so ago, where I did finally attract a pretty hot white girl but had so much inner game issues that I couldn't close. (Still the hot white girl is floating around out there - I did get her number and text her occasionally). Jane and I went out sarging in Hollywood and I did pretty well there too -- ended up getting 3-4 numbers and k-closing another white girl. Finally, I had a date with an Asian girl off OK Cupid just this weekend, and though it was pretty tame -- we might meet again. (Jane says no, the girl I went out with is ridiculously boring). So we'll see… this girl is totally traditional and yeah I have to be very slow in the way I game her -- touching her even slightly was scary to her. (I managed to open her a lot with good self deprecating humor and getting her to kino me as well -- a Vince Kelvin strategy -- encourage mutual kino to build rapport).
Maybe or maybe not -- I'm still up in arms debate whether sexually confident girls are better than traditional girls.. Some guys in the community hate virgins, and I've walked down that path a couple times too. But I want to know how to game traditional girls too -- I don't want to just say fuck it, can't ever do it. So that's why I'd keep at it... there is a sexual monster inside of the traditional girl too.. with sexually confidents, it's so much easier to see and act upon (they want you to act upon it), but with traditional... sexual thoughts are often repressed (due to being traditional), so if there isn't vast amount of comfort, it's easier to induce her fear of you being a creeper if you spike her BT to points she's not comfortable with revealing. (Anyway, this a whole different issue -- I wrote some notes on it and will talk about it when I have more supporting evidence).
This time period away from the blog has been truly a strange period for me… it feels like I'm sorta building myself from the ground up again. I often feel like, I have the foundations still, all that was burnt was just the building… and at this time, it's my job to build myself with harder steel frames and more resistant materials. There's a lot I could talk about.. and honestly I wish I had written down some of the field experiences I had while out this past month, but for now all I can say is that I'm definitely a stronger guy at the moment.
A lot of the inner game issues I had before are starting to fade as I realize that despite whatever 'truisms' exist out there (Asian girls want a white guy), I have been successful before, I know that there are tons of Indian guys in the community getting laid by every type of girl out there (not just Asian), and that a lot of the 'inner game' issues I have are purely just bullshit excuses -- I haven't nearly tried enough. If anything, I've just had really low confidence, and it's up to me to really work on it. 400 rejections? So what… I talked to Vince, who sarged 100 girls a day in his hey-day. I have a ton of work to do. I know I can be confident like Condor, and already Jane sees the change in me -- she's been complimenting me on how far I've come in our journey together -- how much more fashion sense I have, how much more I've been keeping fit and staying humorous; she feels really safe with me around, and vouches every time in field to other girls that I'm a great catch -- because I can take HER shit without losing my positive frame. (And believe me, she's a hellish shit tester -- that's why I want her in my life).
I think I'm heading in some amazing new directions. I feel a sense of strength I've never had before, much of it comes knowing I have a strong support group of amazing friends, and from within, where I feel true to myself, proud of myself for continuing to keep working at achieving small wins everywhere in my life (not just game), and staying positive even in my darkest days. Here's to some amazing PUA Cloud adventures ahead.
- Cloud
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